Couple Achieves Relationship Milestone: Now Only Communicating Through Passive-Aggressive Fridge Magnets

Volume 1, Issue 5

Goulais River, ON - Following 32.5 years of marriage, three children, 41 destroyed family gatherings, half a dozen therapists, and a 3/4-full garage of self-help books, an area couple has finally discovered an effective strategy for communicating: fridge magnets.

While unconventional, the couple revealed it was the only way to express things without causing undue bodily harm or property damage.

“In the past, whenever I would communicate something simple like ‘please take out the garbage,’ he would have a temper tantrum and dump the trash on the floor in the kitchen or in my convertible,” said June Smith about her husband, John. “Now, I just arrange the magnets to say ‘TRASH SMELLS LIKE YOUR MISTAKES.’ Next thing you know, the garbage is out. No fuss.”

“Yeah, June would go on strike whenever I asked her what we were having for supper. She wouldn’t cook for a week,” reports John Smith. “Now I just write ‘F@&k Food’ on the fridge with the magnets and she makes me my favourite meal of burgers, French fries, and chocolate cake with Haagen-Dazs ice cream.”

“We don’t even have to talk anymore. Our relationship is so much better with the magnets,” said June. “I mean, we tried everything.”

The new system has even piqued the interest of the community. Neighbour Tito Compella noted that the magnets seem to dictate the couple's entire choreography. “I went for coffee next door and saw a magnet message yesterday morning that said ‘YOUR HOBBIES TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE,’ and then I saw John lugging the garbage out. It looked pretty heavy. I checked it out after dark and found treasures in the trash like costume jewelry and crafting supplies. I will be sure to check their trash often now.”

June admitted that while the magnets have brought peace, she may be going overboard with the high-cholesterol food hints from John. Watching him eat his third double bacon cheeseburger of the week in total silence, she noted, “I have never loved him more.”

Real themes. Fake news.