BREAKING NEWS: Local Woman Disqualified from Sainthood After Asking 27-Year-Old Son to Do Own Laundry

Volume 1, Issue 4

SAULT STE. MARIE, ON – Mary Miles was on the verge of making history as the first living saint to be canonized by Pope Lavator II. However, her fast track to martyrdom was abruptly derailed this week when she requested that her 27-year-old son, Joe Junior (JJ), wash his own socks.

According to Cardinal Delacatus, the Vatican usually requires a candidate to be deceased and credited with two miracles. “In Mary’s case, we were prepared to waive the ‘post-mortal’ requirement in light of her extraordinary suffering,” the Cardinal explained. “But the moment she set a boundary, her aura of sainthood vanished.”

The "martyrdom" in question involved Mary working full-time at Algoma Steel’s accounting office while serving as the sole housekeeper for her able-bodied husband and adult son.

“I just hit my limit,” Mary said, reflecting on her lost title. “Being honoured by the Pope would have been nice, but it wasn’t worth the exhaustion of doing everyone's chores. My halo was heavy, but the laundry basket was heavier.”

The transition has been difficult for the Miles household.

“It really sucks now,” said JJ, 27, while carefully cutting the crusts off his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “She used to do my laundry, book my doctor's appointments, and prep my meals. Not now.”

Mary’s husband, Joe, declined to comment officially, though witnesses say his silence was punctuated by the rhythmic sound of him scrubbing bathroom tiles on his hands and knees.

“I actually had to use Google Maps to find the laundry room,” JJ added, visibly shaken while staring at a bottle of detergent as if it were a time bomb about to explode. “And then I had to text her from the hallway to ask if ‘Cold/Tap Cold’ was a temperature setting or her mood. She didn’t even reply with an emoji. It’s like she doesn't care about me anymore.”
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Despite losing her official status, Cardinal Delacatus suggests a different kind of divinity is at play.

“The Vatican has ruled that the 'miracles' required for her canonization have actually manifested in the home,” the Cardinal noted. “The first miracle is that the son has achieved basic competence. The second is that the husband now has a profound reverence for his wife’s time. She may not be a saint to the Church anymore, but she’s become a human being to her family.”

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