Volume 1, Issue 5

Goulais River, ON - Following 32.5 years of marriage, three children, 41 destroyed family gatherings, half a dozen therapists, and a 3/4-full garage of self-help books, an area couple has finally discovered an effective strategy for communicating: fridge magnets.

While unconventional, the couple revealed it was the only way to express things without causing undue bodily harm or property damage.

“In the past, whenever I would communicate something simple like ‘please take out the garbage,’ he would have a temper tantrum and dump the trash on the floor in the kitchen or in my convertible,” said June Smith about her husband, John. “Now, I just arrange the magnets to say ‘TRASH SMELLS LIKE YOUR MISTAKES.’ Next thing you know, the garbage is out. No fuss.”

“Yeah, June would go on strike whenever I asked her what we were having for supper. She wouldn’t cook for a week,” reports John Smith. “Now I just write ‘F@&k Food’ on the fridge with the magnets and she makes me my favourite meal of burgers, French fries, and chocolate cake with Haagen-Dazs ice cream.”

“We don’t even have to talk anymore. Our relationship is so much better with the magnets,” said June. “I mean, we tried everything.”

The new system has even piqued the interest of the community. Neighbour Tito Compella noted that the magnets seem to dictate the couple's entire choreography. “I went for coffee next door and saw a magnet message yesterday morning that said ‘YOUR HOBBIES TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE,’ and then I saw John lugging the garbage out. It looked pretty heavy. I checked it out after dark and found treasures in the trash like costume jewelry and crafting supplies. I will be sure to check their trash often now.”

June admitted that while the magnets have brought peace, she may be going overboard with the high-cholesterol food hints from John. Watching him eat his third double bacon cheeseburger of the week in total silence, she noted, “I have never loved him more.”

Real themes. Fake news.

Volume 1, Issue 4

SAULT STE. MARIE, ON – Mary Miles was on the verge of making history as the first living saint to be canonized by Pope Lavator II. However, her fast track to martyrdom was abruptly derailed this week when she requested that her 27-year-old son, Joe Junior (JJ), wash his own socks.

According to Cardinal Delacatus, the Vatican usually requires a candidate to be deceased and credited with two miracles. “In Mary’s case, we were prepared to waive the ‘post-mortal’ requirement in light of her extraordinary suffering,” the Cardinal explained. “But the moment she set a boundary, her aura of sainthood vanished.”

The "martyrdom" in question involved Mary working full-time at Algoma Steel’s accounting office while serving as the sole housekeeper for her able-bodied husband and adult son.

“I just hit my limit,” Mary said, reflecting on her lost title. “Being honoured by the Pope would have been nice, but it wasn’t worth the exhaustion of doing everyone's chores. My halo was heavy, but the laundry basket was heavier.”

The transition has been difficult for the Miles household.

“It really sucks now,” said JJ, 27, while carefully cutting the crusts off his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “She used to do my laundry, book my doctor's appointments, and prep my meals. Not now.”

Mary’s husband, Joe, declined to comment officially, though witnesses say his silence was punctuated by the rhythmic sound of him scrubbing bathroom tiles on his hands and knees.

“I actually had to use Google Maps to find the laundry room,” JJ added, visibly shaken while staring at a bottle of detergent as if it were a time bomb about to explode. “And then I had to text her from the hallway to ask if ‘Cold/Tap Cold’ was a temperature setting or her mood. She didn’t even reply with an emoji. It’s like she doesn't care about me anymore.”
​
Despite losing her official status, Cardinal Delacatus suggests a different kind of divinity is at play.

“The Vatican has ruled that the 'miracles' required for her canonization have actually manifested in the home,” the Cardinal noted. “The first miracle is that the son has achieved basic competence. The second is that the husband now has a profound reverence for his wife’s time. She may not be a saint to the Church anymore, but she’s become a human being to her family.”

Volume 1, Issue 3

Echo Bay, ON - Local man, Stan Wray, found a loophole in the active listening intervention proposed by his therapist on May 4, 2016.

Lisa, his wife of twenty years who once complained that she did not feel seen, has since changed her tune.

“I feel so heard, and so seen for that matter,” Lisa reports. “I don’t know what it is, but for our first ten years together, I felt completely invisible. Not now. When I talk, he just locks in.”

Lisa has become the talk of the town with neighbourhood spectators asking, “How does he do that? Listen so actively?”

A local friend and neighbour, Bob Low, says, “Well, the guy sure has patience. I can’t imagine paying that much attention to my wife. He doesn’t even blink. It’s like he’s totally there, but not there at all.”

Stan admits the technique is mostly about “zoning out responsibly.” By focusing intently on the skin between Lisa’s eyebrows, he can mentally replay the recent 2026 Milano Cortina men’s gold-medal game and speculate how it would have played out with Sidney Crosby at the helm.

“The trick is the slight, supportive nod,” Stan whispers. “If you time it right, you don't even have to know what the conversation is about. She feels validated, and I get to see Tom Wilson hit Dylan Larkin repeatedly in my mind until she’s done.”

Lisa says she finally feels the engagement she spent a decade begging for. At press time, Stan had not looked away from her hairline for twenty-seven minutes.

Real themes. Fake news.

Sault Ste. Marie, ON - Local medical officials have confirmed that area woman Ruby Shores has successfully mothered her husband into a complete regression back to the third trimester.

Neighbour Tyne Turner likened it to the Benjamin Button effect. “It’s like that, but backwards,” Tyne said while fingering his ear as he leaned on his snow shovel. “I mean, the guy went from paying a mortgage to wearing a diaper in just a few years.”

Ruby’s husband Timothy was not able to comment as he had already regressed, so Ruby spoke on his behalf. “Tim loved the pampering,” she yelled, mindlessly pureeing a ribeye steak in the Vitamix. “I was just being a supportive wife. Is it a crime to want your husband to have soft skin and a comprehensive nap schedule?”

“Ruby didn’t just treat Tim like a son; she outsourced his adulthood for him,” Ruby’s sister Jan said. “She cut the crusts off his sandwiches and made his dental appointments. She would ask him ‘Who’s a big hungry boy?’ before every meal. She even curated his opinions on the weather! I’m not one bit surprised that he is back in his mother’s womb. Honestly, I’m worried about his mother. The poor woman is 75. That is a lot of baby to carry!”

Timothy’s mother Alice Shores could not comment as she was under close observation at the Sault Area Hospital.

Dr. Eddy Chow says, “We are monitoring Alice, but the logistics of delivering a 190-pound infant have the entire surgical team on edge. Family Services is drafting a safety plan to ensure Ruby doesn’t mother Tim right back into the same dilemma the moment he's out. Alice may not survive this rebirth as is. We’ve confiscated an adult-sized hand-knit onesie that Ruby tried to smuggle into the ward. We can’t have him regressing again before the cord even drops off.”

Volume 1, Issue 1

Sault Ste. Marie, ON  - After six years and $43,200 worth of couples therapy, local man Joe Miller successfully utilized a foundational ‘I-statement’ during Tuesday’s session to respectfully explain that the couple’s relational collapse was entirely his wife’s fault.

The couple began their therapy journey six years ago, struggling to adopt the subjective language of “I want, I need, and I feel.” The breakthrough finally occurred when Joe looked his wife, Samantha, in the eye and uttered the landmark sentence: “I feel that the vast majority of the problems we have are strictly because of you.”

During Tuesday’s therapy session, following the watershed I-statement, the room reportedly fell into a profound silence. Joe, seeking professional validation for his relational milestone, looked to his therapist with a visible sense of pride, assuming the quiet was a result of his impressive emotional growth.

Later that afternoon at the Bellevue Marina, Joe’s inner circle gathered to celebrate the breakthrough.

​“It really is all Sam’s fault,” said Joe’s friend, Derek Smith, while smiling and cracking a supportive Bud Light for his companion. “I feel like she’s just a lot, you know?”

“Joe has come a long way,” confirmed Registered Psychotherapist Richard Price, speaking from the diving board of his dilapidated $40,000 Kijiji yacht, The Virginia Satir. “A very long way.”

While Samantha has since quickly relocated to a rare bird sanctuary with her new partner, June, Joe maintains that the relationship’s failure was a solo effort on her part, with one minor concession. “In retrospect, I do feel,” Joe noted as he winked at me proudly, “that there was that one time I forgot to put the toilet seat down. That’s on me. I fully own that.”

Real themes. Fake news.